Why Being Upset Isn't Always "Toxic"

Enneagrammer gets a lot of flack for our approach to teaching the enneagram because we are the only ones who refuse to allow people to mistype. This is not to say that we are infallible in our assessments, but that when there’s clear evidence of something, we are not afraid to say what we think. People can take it or leave it. However, the culture within this community is to do everything in your power to keep people “not upset.” The large amount of 9’s in the enneagram and in the world in general means that we live in a culture of 9ness in a sense. It’s considered not okay to ruffle feathers, to make people upset, to push boundaries too much, to trigger people, etc. Now I’m not necessarily saying this is a bad thing; I think 9’s understand therapy more instinctively than any other type. But imagine what the culture would be like if there were a ton more 8’s or 4’s? It would probably be considered a good thing to push people in a more aggressive way and would tip the scales in terms of the tone of communication.

There’s wisdom in all approaches. However, this is ours. The fact is that it’s hard to see ourselves. We aren’t necessarily wired to see beneath our own ego which is why the Enneagram is such a powerful tool. But we need others to help us see. People who are mistyping have particular reasons for doing so. Some part of their ego feels connected to that type, is using it as some kind of crutch or social badge. Allowing people to continue doing this is validating their incorrect type in a way i.e. supporting a delusion. “No one knows me better than me” is psychologically just not necessarily true. Mistyping is traumatic because you’re using the wrong information and tools.

Discovering your type is always upsetting. And not in the “Wow this is so hard! Ouchie!” kind of way that people like to post about. It’s hard in the way where you realize it’s irrelevant who knows your type or who sees it or how you come across, because the truth of it won’t change. It’s hard in the way that you’re not signing your type after everything you post or getting coffee mugs with your type on it. If you feel like your type is secretly kind of awesome, you’re not doing this right. This isn’t to say that the types don’t have positive qualities, but at the core they are flawed strategies to meet instinctual needs. If you’re joining type 4 groups and being like “Hey! We’re all 4’s! We’re all so special and cool!” you’re probably not seeing the type properly whether you’re a 4 or not.

The process of discovering your type is usually jarring and requires someone to help you break through those ego boundaries. We don’t WANT to break those boundaries because we feel they’re there for a reason. Now some people are clearly not ready for this, and some people simply haven’t asked. That should be respected. But there are people in forums everywhere who are constantly spreading misinformation and posting subtle calls to others to have their type validated, and it is wrong.

We get called “toxic” and all manner of other names for essentially telling people what type we think they are with evidence when they inquire. As a culture we assume that anything upsetting is toxic. “They hurt me so they need to be cut out.” This process of pain and confusion and trauma that arises when you actually need to break down your own ego boundaries and discover your true type is necessary to do this work. We are not surprised when someone is argumentative. This is a normal response. We listen and learn and perhaps refine our assessments, but the ego will always push back. We don’t enjoy making people upset or do it for the sake of doing it. That would be toxic. We just know that this is how it goes. These difficult conversations should no longer be avoided. Sometimes negative emotions are essential.

-Joseph Simone